texts from my mom

Rissa

honey

still haven’t heard from you

CALL ME

I wish you would call me

it’s been a VERY hard year for me

so much sadness

Hello my little girl

yeah, what about me?

You don’t understand how hard it is to be the middle man between my kid and my girlfriend

but you are my child and I love you

You’re stupid

You’re selfish

ya know, I shoulda smacked you myself

I would’ve enjoyed it

shut up

you have no right talking to your mother that way

you need to learn how to let go of the past and

MOVE ON

My therapist thinks the same thing

she agrees that you have been a terrible daughter

Love u

You chose your mama over me so she can deal with you now

Love u

I am your mother

You better send me your tax info so I can claim my tax credit on you

I need the money

I am your mother

Fuck you

I know who you are

we aren’t so different, you know

hi baby girl

So so proud of you

told the whole office how proud I am of all the things you’re doing

Oh you’re some big shot living in NYC now?

Well I’ll be damned.

Don’t forget I know where you came from,

How you were just a sick little girl and I took care of you.

Glad your mama is stepping up now, I’m done being a parent.

It’s MY time to have FUN

She was the one who wanted kids,

I was never good at commitment.

I gave you everything

I am your mother

Don’t forget that!

I support you in all your endeavors

that’s my beautiful girl, so much love in your soul.

I don’t like you at all

Gotta tell ya

I hate you.

I’m an adult, you don’t get to tell me what I spend my money on,

I can get high all I want

sure helps dealing with you

CALL ME

You’re my little girl.

You’re a bitch.

I am still your mother.

Love you

LOVE U

Mom

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Bloodlines

1.

Unlike my moms, I was obvious and all-knowing about my sexuality as a child,

could not perform girlhood in the way the world expected me to.

I tore apart my barbie dolls, likened to sports and my brother’s

hand me downs instead.

I did not learn how to highlight my face,

still don’t know how to braid hair,

tell me a popular fashion line and I will not know what it is.

I was not feminine because it was a thing I did not understand.

But I did understand blood.

How elusive it was. How important and not important in family conversations.

How proud I was when it splintered from my hands,

gushed from my knees and not once made me cry.

How, like everything I wanted, it seemed both out of reach

and everywhere. And in this way suffering became my bloodline,

inherited by me from my mothers, and their mothers,

gay and otherwise,

related and otherwise. Blood

was easy to know. And I wore it well.

2.

Before my baptism, my mama asked her mother,

“you do know I’ll be standing there as her mother, right?”

My grandmother, the devout Catholic, mother of eight, said nothing.

And so I was, head dipped in holy water,

washed clean of bloodlink.

I think she was proud, but I am not sure of what.

I have never really spoken to my grandmother.

She still signs my birthday and christmas cards – ‘Elaine’

never ‘grandma.’

And yet I do not blame her. I am no child of God.

I am no thing she knows how to understand.

3.

When my moms were splitting, my uncle told my mama

he was on her side, to not worry about that woman

and her kids, said, “blood is thicker than water, sis.”

I am thin as water to them, bastard child slipping between fingers,

something spilled on the kitchen floor,

best be wiped up quick,

there isn’t even an insult for the wrong kind of baby I was

that does not include and prioritize a man.

Which I was not made from or by or for.

Twenty years later that same uncle

scoffed at the Orlando shooting,

said he could understand where the guy was coming from

the way we gay people flaunt our flamboyancy in the faces

of good, regular people.

And I think, well, blood is just blood, then. Spilled or unspilled.

That is all.