After Reyna Biddy

the months keep passing and I am afraid you have forgotten me altogether.

there’s a little death in that, isn’t there?

I want to live somewhere, still, in your head, in your heart

I hope you have not mistaken my anger for no longer needing you

my silence for lack of grief

I swallow my agony whole and

fix my face and

hold my own hand

I like to think I am starting to forget you, ‘cause

I only miss you

when I breathe

I’ve practiced how to hold my tongue long enough, I’m afraid I forgot to say goodbye

& I hate you for loving me better than anyone ever has

for knowing me

seeing me

and then shutting the door in my face

you know

nobody’s ever loved me constant

and I am so tired

of sitting on the other side of the door

wondering if you’re leaned up against it, crying, too

or oceans away by now

and even then

busying yourself to forget then suddenly startled

when you eye the stars or cocoon in the empty

in you we both know you hide

behind closed doors or right out

in the open, waiting

for someone to see you the way

you know I always have

do you hate me, too, then?

for knowing you

seeing you

I swallow my hurt and you swallow the truth, each of us

disappearing whole worlds in the pits of our stomachs, the history of us

so hard to digest, my back

holding up this door between us, hoping

you’ll come knocking, that

we will sit nestled on a bench somewhere, side by side

speaking a universe back into existence

at what point does this become pathetic?

you have made me

a begging woman.

the months keep passing and I am afraid

I still love you


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